從第一天開格到今天為止已經有74天了! 首先我要先感謝來看我文章的朋友和網友們, 有你們的支持和關心, 真的讓我感到很開心和溫暖. 如果人氣數字是支持與關懷的標準, 那我必須說: 原來這世界上有這麼多在關心和支持我的人呢! (我知道那不是實際的數目, 所以我才用如果那兩個字囉! )
我在開部落格之前有稍微搜尋關於部落格的經營方式和什麼是人氣等等資訊... 不過, 我發現我沒辦法成為一位好的經營者! 因為我對於那些如何增進人氣流量跟如何宣傳部落格的方法都感到興致缺缺, 甚至有些是看都看不懂! 那麼刻意又煩人的事, 懶惰的我根本做不來!
其實, 我開始寫部落格的原因是為了自己寫的. 當時我替自己的心理健康感到擔心, 因為我漸漸意識到腦袋空白的日子正慢慢吞噬我逐漸灰暗又空洞的靈魂, 如果再不做點改變, 我深怕就此陷入無底的痛苦深淵.
對我來說, 文字一直都是我心靈上的發洩和慰藉. 我從有記憶以來就開始寫日記, 直到來到法國居住後, 我愈來愈少記錄心情, 愈來愈少跟朋友聯繫… 朋友們大概都以為是距離遠和開始新生活的關係, 所以不聯絡是很正常的事; 大家各忙各的, 所以友誼淡去是無可避免的事... 其實根本就不是! 不是因為距離遠, 也不是因為生活忙, 而是心裡很難受! 我不知道要如何伸出手表現軟弱, 所以, 當我最需要朋友的時候, 我卻遺棄了朋友.
那不是一種選擇, 那是自然而然的自我防衛心態. 我不主動聯絡, 但我內心卻小聲的責怪著朋友們的不聞不問 (我通常是個主動的人)! 我常跟外星人訴苦, 跟他說當我不主動聯絡時, 就沒有人會主動聯絡我了. 當我有負面想法時, 外星人也只能無奈的安慰我!
這幾年我有很多時間去思考友誼的意義, 在我寂寞難受時, 我也在心裡默默的丟掉了許多曾經所謂的朋友們. 就這樣, 年齡越來越大, 朋友愈來愈少, 寂寞也愈來愈難消化, 所以只好用電影和電視劇來忘卻內心的感受, 因為專注在別人的故事時我就不用為了自己毫無意義的人生感到愧疚.
幾年前, 我早已知道不能再那樣負面的虛度人生, 不過, 思緒就像鬼打牆般, 怎麼繞都繞不開, 也不知道要往那走, 所以, 只好站在原地. 那種日子持續了將近快三年, 雖然在那期間有出國旅遊過; 有回台灣解鄉愁過; 有籌備兩場婚禮過; 也成了人妻了; 愛情和幸福也持續延續著, 不過, 空虛和寂寞還是時常會在夜深人靜時擾亂心頭.
直到三個月前, 我下定決心, 不能再漠視我所擁有的, 也不能再對世界那麼漠不關心, 更不能失去珍貴的友誼, 所以, 這是我開始寫部落格的第一個原因!
Why did I start to write a blog? (This is a self-asked question)
It has been 74 days since I wrote my first post!
I am thankful to those who came to read my blog. I am touched and appreciated that you are interested in what I wrote. If the numbers from my “blog hits” is a way to calculate how many people who support and care for me, then I must say - WOW! It’s quite a lot of people! (I know it’s not exactly how we count it, that’s why I used IF!)
In fact, I did some research about how to manage a blog and what blog’s popularity is before I start using it, but I found that I couldn’t keep up to all that jazz. They are ways and tricks you can do to increase readers and to make your blog popular. Well, they are too complicated for someone lazy like me!
To be honest, my first reason for writing this blog was actually for myself. A year ago, I started to worry about my mental health. I had a growing realisation that the blankness inside my head was slowly swallowing my soul, a soul that seems grey and hollow. I fear that I would thus sink into an endless abyss of unhappiness if I do not make some changes soon.
For me, the words are always an outlet and a comfort to my mind. I did write very often (I have been doing that ever since I can remember), but I stopped doing it after I moved to France to live. I wrote less and less, and I made less effort to contact with friends…
Maybe my friends thought that I moved far away from them and started a new life and all; therefore, it’s normal to lose touch with each other. Moreover, everyone is busy with their own lives, so it’s inevitable that the friendship grew apart… that’s just rubbish! For me, it wasn’t because of the distance or a busy life, it was because I was suffering inside! I didn’t know how to reach out for help and to show my weakness, so I abandoned my friends when I needed them the most.
It wasn’t a choice; it was a self-defense mentality. I didn’t take the initiative to contact, but I secretly blamed my friends’ indifferent attitude (I am often the one who takes initiative in many things). Usually I complain to Alien, saying that no one gives a shit or no one would think of me if I don’t call or write. He feels helpless, and he could only try to comfort me when I think negatively.
I have lots of time to cogitate on the meaning of friendship over the years, and I silently threw away some so-called friends in my mind when I suffer from loneliness. Just like that, the older I get, the less friends I have, and the sorrow is getting harder to swallow. Therefore, I use TV shows and movies to forget how I feel inside, because it is easier to focus on other people’s stories instead of changing my own, and I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about my meaningless life!
Few years ago, I already noticed what negativity is doing to my mind and to my life; however, I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. It was as if my thoughts were stuck in the maze, and I had no idea where I should go, so I stood still. Those days last for about three years, although I went travelled; I went back to Taiwan to see family and friends; I planned two weddings; I became a wife of an Alien and love and happiness continue to last… Somehow, the loneliness and the emptiness keep popping up to say hi in the dead of night.
Anyway, that’s what happened in the past! Three months ago, I woke up one morning and said to myself: I can’t keep living like this anymore and I shouldn’t keep ignoring what I have at the moment! More importantly, I can’t lose my friends; therefore, that is one of the reasons why I started to write a blog!