我從急診室轉到二樓的六人病房. 在六人病房待了大概兩天, 老實說我也不太確定 .
在上一篇我提到一切都很模糊, 我只記得一些片段和影像, 那時候的我已被疼痛給佔據, 無法分心去注意其他的事物. 不過我記得醫院的護士人手不夠, 所以常常聽得到護士在走廊上跑的腳步聲,還有我媽那擔憂和著急的臉龐, 不停的去找護士問醫生要哪時候才會來看我 .
因為吃了那碗魚粥, 我胃不停的疼痛, 接著出現嘔吐, 吐到沒東西可吐後變乾嘔不停, 頭暈, 發燒, 眼白變紅 (後來才知道是因為血小板數量過低的關係), 而醫院所給的胃藥和止痛藥都沒有太大的幫助.
在那期間, 我常常站在廁所水槽前不停地乾嘔, 看著自己像小白兔的紅眼睛, 想著: 我到底怎麼了?
身體愈來愈虛弱, 我不確定是否還有明天可活, 我跟媽提到我的銀行存款和我的私人物品, 算是在交代後事, 因為我不想什麼也沒交代就那樣走了. 她罵我神經病, 講那有的沒有的話!
我想應該是第三天早上, 我的主治醫生終於出現了 (就是來急診室看我的那一位), 他那天也帶了好幾位醫師一起來 . 我一個人在病床上, 當時我媽去買早餐, 不知道哪時候會回來, 但因為醫生行程繁忙, 沒辦法等. 他首先問我是哪個星座的 (呵~ 從那時候開始我就知道他跟其他嚴肅的醫生不一樣) 雖然我不太清楚為何他想知道我的星座, 不過我還是說了.
"喔 ! 獅子座的 ! 很爽快的個性 ! 很好 ! 那我可以開門見山直接跟你說了 ! 你得了白血病 . 你知道什麼是白血病嗎 ?" 他站在我旁邊, 用爽快的語調對我說著, 好像在談論天氣一樣.
"... 不太清楚." 我是真的不懂他在說什麼 .
之後的內容我忘了, 因為聽完癌這個字眼後, 我腦袋呈現一片空白, 心裡像被掏空一樣 .
這時, 我媽回來了, 她對醫生禮貌的笑著, 詢問著我的情況. 我不記得醫生到底對她說了什麼, 我媽也不太了解白血病是什麼病. 醫生解釋是血癌的一種, 她沉默的聽著, 我可以感覺到她的視線在我身上, 但我沒有回看, 我只是看著前方, 試著想要了解現實.
"為什麼會得這種病?" 媽問醫生 .
醫生走了之後, 我才往媽那方向看去, 當彼此視線對上, 當我看到她的眼淚掛在眼眶時, 毫無預警的, 我也默默的流下了淚.
媽小聲的啜泣, 對著我低語 : "沒關係, 我們可以克服的. 可以的, 不要哭..." 她聽起來像是在說服自己似的 .
我媽的眼淚總是能觸碰到我內心最深處的一角, 我本來一點想哭的感覺都沒有, 但看到她那悲傷的臉, 我輕易的崩潰了. 因為她難過, 因為我, 她必須得承受這種悲痛, 為此我感到非常難過.
I was transferred to a ward for six patients on the second floor from the emergency room, and I was probably there for two days, honestly; I couldn’t be sure about it.
As I said in the last article, everything was quite blurry to me at the beginning. I only remembered some bits and images because I was in too much pain to pay attention to anything else at the time. However, I did remember that there weren’t enough of nurses in the hospitals (There are too many patients), so I often heard the running footsteps from the hallway; and my mother’s anxious face, kept asking the nurse when the doctor would come to check on me.
My situation got a lot worse as time went by. I already had a problem with my abdomen after I ate the fish porridge. Then, I started to vomit until I didn’t have anything left in my stomach, but it didn’t stop there. The retching kept going, I felt dizzy, and I still had a fever. Strangely, my eyes were turning red like a rabbit (I found out later that it was because of my low platelet counts). The medications they gave me weren’t helpful to my conditions.
During that time, I often stood in front of the sink retched non-stop, afterwards I would look in the mirror and saw those red eyes of mine…I wondered: “What is wrong with me??”
I felt weaker and weaker, and I wasn’t sure whether there is tomorrow to live, so I talked to my mother about my bank account and my personal stuff. It was sort of my last will, because I didn’t want to die without saying anything. She gave me shit and called me mental!
I think it was on the third morning, my doctor finally showed up (The one who came to see me in the emergency room). He also brought a few doctors with him as well. I was alone on the bed, my mother went to buy something, and didn’t know when she would be back. However, his had a busy schedule, and he couldn’t wait at all.
First, he asked about my star sign (Since then, I knew he isn’t like the other serious doctors). I was totally confused, but I told him anyway.
“ Oh~ a Leo! A very straightforward personality! Good! Now I can tell you straightforwardly! You have leukemia. Do you know what leukemia is? ” He stood right beside me, and announced those words as if he was talking about the weather.
“…I don’t really know.” Honestly, I had no idea what he was saying.
“Leukemia is a type of blood cancer…”
I didn’t remember what he said afterwards, because my head went blank, and my heart felt emptied after I heard the word cancer.
Just then, my mother came back. She smiled politely at the doctors and asked about my condition. I didn’t remember what he told my mother, she didn’t know what exactly leukemia is, either. The doctor explained it’s a blood cancer. She listened in silence, but I can feel her gaze on me. I did’t look at her, my gaze was rigidly fixed ahead, and tried to understand the reality.
“What’s the reason why? What’s the cause? ” She asked the doctor.
“We can’t be sure. No one can be sure about it. It’s a mutation.”
After the doctors left the ward, I turned to look at her. When our eyes met, when I saw the tears in her eyes, without warning, my tears started to drop.
She sobbed quietly, whispered at me “ It’s ok. We can overcome it. It’s ok. Don’t cry…” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself that.
My mother’s tears can always touch the deepest corner of my heart. To be honest, I didn’t have the urge to cry until I saw her sad face. I cried because I felt so sorry for her, because of me, she had to go through that kind of pain, and I felt sad about that.
That day, I was transferred to another ward, a ward for two patients on the thirteenth floor.