提前告知
在各位閱讀文章前, 請務必記得: 文章裡的中英文部份並不是"完完全全"的中英對照喔~ 還有, 這裡不是英語教學網站. 謝謝~ :)

我從急診室轉到二樓的六人病房. 在六人病房待了大概兩天, 老實說我也不太確定 .

在上一篇我提到一切都很模糊, 我只記得一些片段和影像, 那時候的我已被疼痛給佔據, 無法分心去注意其他的事物. 不過我記得醫院的護士人手不夠, 所以常常聽得到護士在走廊上跑的腳步聲,還有我媽那擔憂和著急的臉龐, 不停的去找護士問醫生要哪時候才會來看我 .

因為吃了那碗魚粥, 我胃不停的疼痛, 接著出現嘔吐, 吐到沒東西可吐後變乾嘔不停, 頭暈, 發燒, 眼白變紅 (後來才知道是因為血小板數量過低的關係), 而醫院所給的胃藥和止痛藥都沒有太大的幫助.

在那期間, 我常常站在廁所水槽前不停地乾嘔, 看著自己像小白兔的紅眼睛, 想著: 我到底怎麼了?

身體愈來愈虛弱, 我不確定是否還有明天可活, 我跟媽提到我的銀行存款和我的私人物品, 算是在交代後事, 因為我不想什麼也沒交代就那樣走了. 她罵我神經病, 講那有的沒有的話!

我想應該是第三天早上, 我的主治醫生終於出現了 (就是來急診室看我的那一位), 他那天也帶了好幾位醫師一起來 . 我一個人在病床上, 當時我媽去買早餐, 不知道哪時候會回來, 但因為醫生行程繁忙, 沒辦法等. 他首先問我是哪個星座的 (呵~ 從那時候開始我就知道他跟其他嚴肅的醫生不一樣) 雖然我不太清楚為何他想知道我的星座, 不過我還是說了.

"喔 ! 獅子座的 ! 很爽快的個性 ! 很好 ! 那我可以開門見山直接跟你說了 ! 你得了白血病 . 你知道什麼是白血病嗎 ?" 他站在我旁邊, 用爽快的語調對我說著, 好像在談論天氣一樣.

"... 不太清楚." 我是真的不懂他在說什麼 .

"白血病是血癌的一種 ..."

之後的內容我忘了, 因為聽完癌這個字眼後, 我腦袋呈現一片空白, 心裡像被掏空一樣 .

這時, 我媽回來了, 她對醫生禮貌的笑著, 詢問著我的情況. 我不記得醫生到底對她說了什麼, 我媽也不太了解白血病是什麼病. 醫生解釋是血癌的一種, 她沉默的聽著, 我可以感覺到她的視線在我身上, 但我沒有回看, 我只是看著前方, 試著想要了解現實.

"為什麼會得這種病?" 媽問醫生 .

"沒人可以確定, 是基因突變."

醫生走了之後, 我才往媽那方向看去, 當彼此視線對上, 當我看到她的眼淚掛在眼眶時, 毫無預警的, 我也默默的流下了淚.

媽小聲的啜泣, 對著我低語 : "沒關係, 我們可以克服的. 可以的, 不要哭..." 她聽起來像是在說服自己似的 .

我媽的眼淚總是能觸碰到我內心最深處的一角, 我本來一點想哭的感覺都沒有, 但看到她那悲傷的臉, 我輕易的崩潰了. 因為她難過, 因為我, 她必須得承受這種悲痛, 為此我感到非常難過.

那一天, 我從六人病房轉到十三樓的兩人病房.

 

I was transferred to a ward for six patients on the second floor from the emergency room, and I was probably there for two days, honestly; I couldn’t be sure about it.

As I said in the last article, everything was quite blurry to me at the beginning. I only remembered some bits and images because I was in too much pain to pay attention to anything else at the time. However, I did remember that there weren’t enough of nurses in the hospitals (There are too many patients), so I often heard the running footsteps from the hallway; and my mother’s anxious face, kept asking the nurse when the doctor would come to check on me.

My situation got a lot worse as time went by. I already had a problem with my abdomen after I ate the fish porridge. Then, I started to vomit until I didn’t have anything left in my stomach, but it didn’t stop there. The retching kept going, I felt dizzy, and I still had a fever. Strangely, my eyes were turning red like a rabbit (I found out later that it was because of my low platelet counts). The medications they gave me weren’t helpful to my conditions.

During that time, I often stood in front of the sink retched non-stop, afterwards I would look in the mirror and saw those red eyes of mine…I wondered: “What is wrong with me??”

I felt weaker and weaker, and I wasn’t sure whether there is tomorrow to live, so I talked to my mother about my bank account and my personal stuff. It was sort of my last will, because I didn’t want to die without saying anything. She gave me shit and called me mental!

I think it was on the third morning, my doctor finally showed up (The one who came to see me in the emergency room). He also brought a few doctors with him as well. I was alone on the bed, my mother went to buy something, and didn’t know when she would be back. However, his had a busy schedule, and he couldn’t wait at all.

First, he asked about my star sign (Since then, I knew he isn’t like the other serious doctors). I was totally confused, but I told him anyway.

“ Oh~ a Leo! A very straightforward personality! Good! Now I can tell you straightforwardly! You have leukemia. Do you know what leukemia is? ” He stood right beside me, and announced those words as if he was talking about the weather.

“…I don’t really know.” Honestly, I had no idea what he was saying.

“Leukemia is a type of blood cancer…”

I didn’t remember what he said afterwards, because my head went blank, and my heart felt emptied after I heard the word cancer.

Just then, my mother came back. She smiled politely at the doctors and asked about my condition. I didn’t remember what he told my mother, she didn’t know what exactly leukemia is, either. The doctor explained it’s a blood cancer. She listened in silence, but I can feel her gaze on me. I did’t look at her, my gaze was rigidly fixed ahead, and tried to understand the reality.

“What’s the reason why? What’s the cause? ” She asked the doctor.

“We can’t be sure. No one can be sure about it. It’s a mutation.”

After the doctors left the ward, I turned to look at her. When our eyes met, when I saw the tears in her eyes, without warning, my tears started to drop.

She sobbed quietly, whispered at me “ It’s ok. We can overcome it. It’s ok. Don’t cry…” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself that.

My mother’s tears can always touch the deepest corner of my heart. To be honest, I didn’t have the urge to cry until I saw her sad face. I cried because I felt so sorry for her, because of me, she had to go through that kind of pain, and I felt sad about that.

That day, I was transferred to another ward, a ward for two patients on the thirteenth floor.

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  • 悄悄話
  • 辛巴克蝴蝶
  • 你好勇敢! 看了你這三篇抗癌經驗的文章,想到我一個得過乳癌的朋友...
    我坐在電腦桌前眼眶都有濕濕的感覺了...

    很心疼也很佩服,無論是經歷這一切,甚至是寫出來,都是需要勇氣的吧!
    我不好意思問現在怎樣?
    anyway,送你一句我在電影"3 idiots" 看到的經典句:"All Izz Well "="All is well" ,一切都好,就是一切無論好壞,都會變好的。
  • 不用不好意思 想問什麼就問吧~

    現在就過正常生活 罵人有力且超大聲 哈哈~ 我每隔六個月要抽血檢查看報告 這裡的人抽血技術比我台北常去的醫院還要痛 所以 我每次回台灣都會去醫院報到 給我醫生看一下囉~ 沒事的 就例行檢查 已經快七年囉~ :)

    謝謝你的關心喔~ 寫出來的確需要很大的勇氣 因為我在這方面很低調 但我希望能幫助跟我有相同情況的人 所以 我就已自己的步調來慢慢敘述 但文筆不太好 一直想把負面情緒省略掉 但有時還是會釋放出戲劇化的字眼 無法以平常心來寫 這也是我拖那麼久還沒寫下一篇的原因~ 不過 我還是會繼續寫的 畢竟才剛開始而已 呵~

    Little evil 於 2012/11/27 23:34 回覆

  • 辛巴克蝴蝶
  • 給你一百個讚啦!!!
    恩恩,"罵人超大聲" 哈哈哈,就是要這樣活得有朝氣阿!!

    你哪會文筆不好啊? 還雙語呢!!
    有負面情緒其實很正常,寫作也是一種抒發,OK的,我想,像你如此懂得克制的性格,不會讓通篇文章淪為謾罵的。^^


  • 噗~~ 懂得克制的性格? 去問外星人 你一定會有非常不一樣的答案 哈哈哈~

    文字給了我運用正面字眼和練習思緒往正面方向的機會 腦袋想的跟寫出來的一定會有差別 所以我寫文章會比較慢就是這樣 要修飾潤詞 又要寫兩種語言...

    唉阿~ 雙語跟文筆是兩回事嘛! 更何況我的英文也不是很專業 就跟我的中文一樣~ 我所謂的文筆好的標準就是像作家的文筆一樣好那才叫好 但我知道那只是種想法 我也沒期望能做得到 只是不要退步就好! :)

    做人總要一直進步才對嘛~ 你說是吧~

    Little evil 於 2012/11/28 02:07 回覆

  • 辛巴克蝴蝶
  • 哈哈,問枕邊人本來就不一樣的阿~~(還是其實最準?) XDDDD

    是兩回事沒錯啦,只是很少人用雙語寫部落格,這也是你的特色囉。
    作家也分很多種,看你看齊的標準是張愛玲等輩,還是九把刀之流。都有各自的妙處。文字真摯,語句流暢,有自己的特色,就能感動人。

    看得出你自我要求也蠻高的喲!~ >_^
  • 不好意思 今天才看到這留言!那也是因為你樓下的留言我才發現你有回覆咧~@@!

    問枕邊人的確是最準! 我可以跟你保證你會跟你說得不一樣 哈哈哈~
    寫作的標準? 我也不太清楚我的要求目標是要像誰 我喜歡九把刀 但我沒把他當看齊目標 因為我想我應該做不到 我對畫畫比較有熱誠 文字才是第二 所以 我還是專心畫畫就好吧~ 呵!

    Little evil 於 2012/12/10 22:53 回覆

  • BrendaChien
  • 現在才看到這篇文章。7 years..that's not easy at all. I am so proud of you! 很欣賞妳的勇氣、也很樂觀去面對自己,還有妳體貼媽媽的那份sorry。 也不知道說甚麼好,但 I am sure you are doing well and you are loved so much-according to those articles about you and your Alien.:)

    Here's a medal of courage for you!! haha:p Anyway~Carry on!
  • 哈哈哈~ 今天微醺了嗎? 中英文切換的留言我還第一次看到! 真好笑!!! XD

    謝謝你的鼓勵~ 我感到安慰! 我只能說 人生真的是很奇妙的!不管是痛苦絕望還是快樂幸福 我都打算珍惜! 希望以後有機能回想人生精彩的回憶及過去! ;)

    Little evil 於 2012/12/10 22:48 回覆

  • BrendaChien
  • 阿哈哈 我也不知道我怎麼了沒啦 不過現在的確是在小喝一杯紅酒 阿哈!!

    沒錯 珍惜自己所經歷的 因為畢竟那些經驗就是成就現在自己 所累積的東西呢! 共勉之阿! :D
  • 一起加油吧~ ^^

    Little evil 於 2012/12/12 18:57 回覆

  • yaya
  • 寫出來的過程很不容易,想畫就畫, 想寫就寫, 為你自己和愛你的人。
  • 謝謝yaya~ 謝謝你的留言! :)

    Little evil 於 2012/12/12 18:59 回覆