在我十歲多時, 我記得在電視新聞上看到一個臉色蒼白又光著頭的小女孩, 她站在台上, 臉部表情不知所措, 因為有許多新聞記者在她面前拍照著.
我不記得那篇報導是為了什麼原因, 不過, 那是我第一次聽到白血病這個字眼. 那時, 我對這疾病的認知只停留在那時候所看到的影像 - 臉色蒼白的小女孩.
當我第二次聽到白血病這字眼時是在醫院的病床上, 許多醫生站在我面前, 其中一位告知我得了這個疾病.
這將是我第一次分享我抗癌經驗的細節. 之前, 我不能也不想談論這件事, 因為記憶太鮮明, 令我害怕而不願意回想到在醫院的日子. 而且, 我想我的朋友們也不願意知道有關於這方面的細節吧, 有些朋友知道我生病後, 也因此斷了聯絡.
好幾年後我才了解, 有些人就是沒辦法或不喜歡面對傷心事, 這種人常用沉默來處理這種情緒, 這並不代表他們不在乎或冷血無情, 只是悲痛這種情緒對他們來說也是一件很難面對的事.
從發病到現在已經快七年了, 我活得彷彿沒得過癌症一樣, 我看起來很健康, 我的生活也和大部分的人一樣. 當然, 在剛開始的前四年我還是無法那麼容易地擺脫內心的恐懼, 但是現在我活得越來越少顧忌, 也幾乎不做惡夢了, 慢慢的, 我有時還會忽略健康的重要性.
這兩個禮拜以來, 因為想畫畫跟寫作, 我都熬夜熬到凌晨兩點多才睡. 我知道這對自己的身體不太好, 但夜晚讓我的思緒真的活躍很多, 有種我的靈魂又甦醒了的感覺! 呵呵~
總之, 我的身體正在叫我的靈魂去睡覺, 所以, 就先寫到這了. 保持健康還是很重要的!
When I was about ten or so, I remembered that there was a little girl on TV with a pale white face and hairless, she stood in front of many reporters and looked overwhelmed. I couldn’t remember why or what for, but that was the first time I heard of the word leukemia.
My knowledge of this disease didn’t go further than that pale little girl. I knew nothing about it.
The second time I heard the word leukemia was in the hospital, with many doctors standing in front of me, announced it to me while I was sitting on the bed.
I was 23 years old.
Since then, leukemia has become my lifetime shadow.
This will be the first time I shared my cancer experience with details. I couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about it before, because the memories were too vivid. It terrified me to rethink my time in the hospital. Besides, I don’t think my friends like to hear or know about the details anyway. Some of my friends even stopped contact me. Years later, I realized that some people just couldn’t deal with sorrow, and they deal with it in silence. It doesn’t mean they don’t care; it's just hard for those people, too.
It has been almost seven years, and I am living my life as if it didn’t happen to me. I look healthy, and I live just like most people do. Of course, it wasn’t at all easy to shake off the fear at the first four years, but I thought about it less and less, and I had fewer nightmares. Slowly, I start to ignore being healthy from time to time.
I have been writing and painting in the evening until 2am since two weeks ago. I know it’s probably not a smart move for my health, but I feel more active and more alive in the night time. It seems like my soul has awaken again!
Anyway, my body is telling my soul to go to bed now! Staying healthy is still very important!