在我遇見外星人之前, 我對結婚和生小孩這兩件事非常排斥與抗拒. 我自覺是個沒什麼母愛的人, 看到小孩不懂得逗也不想接近, 有時甚至會感到"尷尬" (雖然我有兩個姪子, 但我是個愛講道理, 不體罰但很嚴格的阿姨).
我跟外星人在一起七年多了, 兩人討論孩子的事也討論了好幾年. 起先我跟他說我不要小孩, 但他持相反意見, 而且要三個... 那是四年多前的事了. 當時兩人只是說說, 聊好玩的, 沒有特別認真. 後來過了幾年, 我自己慢慢的改變主意, 有時看著他會想著: 有個像他可愛的孩子也不錯! 所以我們又花了時間討論彼此的想法, 他還是沒改變想要孩子的想法, 而我告訴他我的擔心和害怕還是沒變, 但或許我可以克服 (因為自己得過血癌的事實讓我會更加小心謹慎). 當時討論完並沒做出任何決定, 就只是知道對方的想法而已.
去年結完婚後, 我們對孩子這件事就變得比較認真, 討論的次數也變多了, 雖然他在中途有剎車過, 質疑過是否真的要生小孩. 我想他那時才正視看待育孕下一代這回事, 當是該認真決定時, 他慌了, 害怕了.
他害怕自己不是個好爸爸, 而他的思緒被壓力與恐懼給暫時打敗了, 所以才會質疑自己是否有能力當父母. 當時的我聽到他改變主意感到很火大, 那是到底要不要生啦! 但另一方面又覺得這樣的反應才正常, 畢竟生養孩子是多麼重大的一件事. 我們準備好了嗎? 我們夠成熟了嗎? 經濟可以負擔嗎? 我們會是好父母嗎? 這些問題都捫心自問過後, 如果他都不害怕, 繼續天真下去的話, 我才必須擔心吧.
說實在的, 我不覺得我們準備好了, 但我不確定我們何時才會完全準備好. 朋友們說過, 等當了父母, 如果有心要做好, 自然而然就懂得如何當好父母. 準備再久再多也沒用, 想太多都是多餘...等等. 有好多人自認為準備好, 但孩子一出生才知道不管再怎麼準備, 一個新生命的來臨總是會讓人慌了手腳, 變得不知所措. 所以, 我想我們即使還沒完全準備好, 我也不是百分之百有信心能做好父母的角色, 但我想只要我盡力, 我將會是個嚴格但不失母愛的媽媽, 我也認為外星人將會是個非常好的爸爸!
總之, 在兩人沒完沒了的討論下, 外星人自我懷疑的憂慮漸漸地轉淡, 最後雙方真正確定"做"小孩這件事是今年九月才實行. 我原本以為會需要幾個月或更久的時間才能受孕成功 (因為我不是個樂觀的人), 結果沒想到外星"精"還是快速努力游到了屬於他的天地! 雖然這外星寶寶來得比我想像得還要快許多, 不過這也是在我們的計劃中! 就這樣, 告別了兩人的世界, 我們即將要成為父母了......心情好複雜阿~~
Some of you may already know... well, I am pregnant (almost 13 weeks). To be honest, I didn't want to get married and have kids before I met Alien. I don't see myself as someone who is full of mother love. I am just not one of those women who love to play with kids, let alone taking care of them (I have two nephews, and I love and care about them, but I am also strict and harsh with them when they need to be educated). In short, I am not exactly children-friendly.
It has been more than seven years since we are together, and we have spent many years discussing about children. At first, I told him that I don't want any, but he told me that he wanted three of them (He grew up with two sisters, and that's why he wanted three children). It was four years ago. At the time, we were just talking about it, nothing too serious at all (Years later he told me that he was sure that I would change my mind even though I said I don't want kids...... which I did. What can I say? Lucky him!).
Few years passed, I slowly changed my mind about whether I should have kids or not. Sometimes, I thought to myself: it would be nice to have a child looking just as cute as him...that's one of the reasons for me to start thinking about having my own child. Shallow, I know, but that's the way it is!
Anyway, we discussed it again. He still wanted three children and I told him that I still have lots of fear and worries, but I can try to overcome them (Leukaemia can be cured, but the shadow of cancer might follow me as long as I live. I think this is something I have to work on and overcome indeed). We didn't make any decision then, it was just another talk like the one we had before.
Our “kid's talk” got much more frequent and serious after we got married. However, his desire for kids became unsure. He started to question himself whether he can be a good father or whether we should really have kids or not. Finally, his fear and worries hit him. Clearly, he didn't really put too much thought into this matter before. For him, we were just talking causally.
Honestly, I would be worried if he didn't panic or feel scared. Are we ready to be parents? Are we going to be good parents? Are we mature enough? Can we afford it? Having a child is such a heavy responsibility, and it's something worth taken the time to consider thoroughly. At the same time, I was annoyed by the fact that he thought that he didn't want any kid, because he had been the one convincing me to have kids, and suddenly, he changed his mind?! What the hell! So, are we having kids or not?!!
After a few more long and serious discussions, although we still have doubts, we decided to do it anyway. To be honest, I don't think we are ready completely, but I am not sure we will ever be.
“No matter how ready you think you are, a new born baby will still rock your world with many surprises.”
“You can be a good mother as long as you tried your best.”
“It is pointless to over think it or wait too long...”
I have heard those advices from friends too many times before and I did take those words into consideration. Thanks, my friends, for sharing your life experiences with me! Anyway, I think I can be a mother that is strict but full of love and care, and Alien will be a great father. Let's just hope that my baby won't be as difficult as I am... lol
Long story short, I thought it will take at least few months or longer to “make” a baby (I am not an optimist), but one of his alien little guy swam his ass off and found his mate on the first trying month (High five to the little guy!). This pregnancy came sooner than I expected, but it was the plan anyway. So, that's that. The world of two has ended. I hope everything will go well. Things haven't been easy for me...I was in hell at the beginning of pregnancy. I have been feeling better but am still uncomfortable. I think I forgot what is normality. I will share more in the next article.
My feeling is so complicated as well......I am going to be a mom! What a wander.